my soul is in his eyes

my heart is aching, remembering the light in his eyes

how they speak of things, placed far away from here

flavors that create his life

life that presents him with dust and gold

my heart is aching,

need to see him see me again

i am trembling, reminiscing on that light in his eyes

they wake me up and take me far away from sorrow and hopelessness

give me love i deserve

embrace me with warmth and sweet-scented breeze

i am trembling,

need him to see himself in my eyes

my soul is in his eyes

when he looks away, i am lost

when he’s gone, my world gets cold

i am shaking, remembering his eyes

the fire in you

when it gets too long
no longer can control
your skin can’t even feel the blistering cold

it’s been too long
since you saw the light
everything’s dark, never comes the morn

dead people float around you
paralyzed you walk among the lively hues

you don’t need to be stranded there alone
and losing more and more of you
you don’t need to cast yourself away

cos i can feel the warmth coming from inside you
trying to break free and wake you

whenever you feel cold
and the darkness surmounts you
look inside and with your heart
you’ll find the fire is in you
reclaim the colors of life
the passion for love
the strength you give yourself
is the fire in you

overwhelmed

overwhelmed. everything falls through my pores, fingers, taste buds. i struggle to block it but it keeps on flowing. ferociously flowing while tying my hands up keeping my mouth open to shout shout shout.

whatever i hate, i do. whatever i do for hatred from you. i hurt i stab i push you away to the corner and push you again. hate me hate me. whatever i hate, i do. whatever i love, i break.

why don’t you hit me why don’t you shout back and insult me unleash the beast inside me, to kill me. let me show you how much you should hate me and despise me and ditch me. i want to see you throw my stuff away and shout go away.

overwhelmed. erupting lava, ashes, bitterness, poison, thoughts of throwing myself to the moving traffic. inside me i shriek unheard plea. stop me stop me slap me then hold me tight. sweep my tears away with your hand your hand you know how much your hands always calm me down. i am shouting at you telling you to forgive me and continue to love me but the darkness is too overwhelming it’s gagging my mouth.

overwhelmed. and the control is given back, only when the damage is done. head’s beaten. heart’s ripped. what’s left is regret.

what’s left

how many words left to write, how many words left to say when you count lies and sugar coats out

how many words left to believe, how many words left to accept when fake smile and cold touch that used to decorate them disappear

how much to share, how much to receive, how much to read, how much to hear when what’s left is what’s real

mirror

the curse you give me will get you

for i am your mirror

as you fall

some pain you can’t handle. for a while you can’t handle some pain.

like when it’s a separation, your heart split open in two, blood stains the floor he’s stepping on, he’s gone.

your pulse is weakening. your head is thumping harder. a separation without a kiss to linger your last memory around.

it’s not enough. you don’t understand why you can’t let it go.

wrap it around with white cloth, around and around it, and around it, but the white turns into red, and quickly gives in on the dripping red.

for a while you can’t heal ur pain. cos he is the remedy and he is gone.

so you cry and wring your pain as you hold your breath. You cry and the tears let go a lump, two lumps, bigger lumps of condensed fear.

some pain you can’t handle, you think. but time allows you to cringe and suffer, feel and eat and rinse your wound with the amplified pain, push you to the brink of odds.

Let yourself fall. as the pain falls with you, pain keeps on falling and shattered in pieces and invisible wings are unleashed cos you’re able, while the pieces of shattered pain keeps on falling into the unending abyss .

When you feel, whatever you feel, you’ll fly.

on the backstage

I will be waiting for you on the backstage
clap and cheer and try to hide away my tears
flick open the curtain and i see your face beam
those bright eyes and the undisguised smile
the sound of applause and people praising you
are slowly vanishing
as we fall into each other’s arms
and my light enfolds us into one

the offering

I close my eyes and accumulate all the good energy and beautiful love.

I ask you, wind, to carry it all to the one I love.

I guess this is the best that I’ve got. And may this offering be enough.

I close my eyes and prayers ignite from within my soul.

May he always breathe out the darkness and fear that will evaporate into the nothingness.

May he keep be exalted because of the wisdom and the bliss he creates.

And allow me to stay lastingly underneath his throne.

To savor the crumbs of his love.

the old swing

let me revisit my old swing in the backyard

the wind gives me chill, though too weak to give me a push

back and forth with my feet, my body weight

 

i understand that nobody is responsible

to push the swing to wake the joy up inside me

 

how can i blame the careless wind

how can i blame your absence

 

i let it dry while clasping the ropes tight

i let it fall down to my lap

i need your hands to prop me up

i let it stream down

veins in my head thrum

 

fingers scratch the thick air,

trying to dig up a buried faith

that love is omnipresent

love never leaves me

all i need to do is to let the candle burn again

love will manifest immediately

once i feel it

when i believe

 

half empty

heart is half empty now
as you reach the end of your song
so many unfulfilled desires
cos dreams are wonderful
reality fearful
too many what if’s
i stumble
i can only mumble
that’s how you’ll never know
what you really mean to me

(feb 2006)